Bildungsroman

Hues of Colorlindness

The following chapter is from a collection of personal short stories that occurred from 2008-2010. Leave a critique.  

28 Hues of Colorblindness

 The campus was barren of human interaction. It is a desolation that is quite common between the end of the spring session, marked by graduation, and the start of the first summer session. Nevertheless, there is a small reserve troop of dedicated students during this time called the “maymester”. But in the evenings, when I like to run the campus, it was inhabited. 

I enjoy running, but it often pains me something fierce. I am an irregular person in more ways than one and I am especially inconsistent in exercise. However, I love evening jogs at Texas State, especially when it is void of life. It was as if the emptiness is motivation for me to exercise, to create commotion something in the vast silence.

The jog up the steps to Old Main was always a rough encounter. The path was littered with few flat surfaces and it’s default surface was staircases. when I reached the collegiate summit atop the hill where the landmark building stood, I sat myself down on a flowerbed’s edge. 

Heart pounding. Lungs collapsing and expanding rapidly. I rocked myself and changed positions to distract myself from the sharp pains of a three mile jog. Old Main was standing as a sentry above the brick bordered flower beds that I struggled upon. Its red-roofed victorian gothic self remaining alive after all these years unmoved, yet on the wane, I am sure. I had often pondered the lives that had trespassed on its guarding grounds over the years since it had be constructed in 1908. What souls have crossed between this space onto something greater? Onto something worse? Old Main connected the souls together in an intangible yet physical way. 

Ooohhhh crraappp (wheez...breath...wheez).

I usually say something along those lines when I am recovering from jogging pains. Holly had told me a couple of tricks for getting rid of pains in my sides when I run. She is a great runner and can easily beat most people in a cross country race - even though she usually doesn’t. I tried a couple of the tricks but they never work to the effect I think that they should. Laying my wheezing body on the flower bed rim, my face pointed to the sky and my lungs reduced themselves from frantic effort to a more healthy rhythm. 

The clouds were burning. They were lofty ships that have been inflamed from a battle that the sky had with the sun. A battle who’s victor changes day to day on the onset of each sunset. They were glowing with warm hue.

 It feels silly discussing clouds. It’s hippie-like, isn’t it? or even seen as childish or what lovers do when they are rolling around in some majestic Etruscan field or something, I wouldn’t know. Additionally, I have never been a fan of cloud photography, always considering it to be unimaginative or unoriginal. My photographs could never capture the beauty of a sunset, so why try? If these visible floating masses of condensed water vapor were ultimately non-photogenic, then what motivation do I have to seek them out. Additionally, the creativity of the floating vessel portrait is heavily tied to the originality of the cloud, it seems like one doesn’t spin an unique perspective but captures an naturally unique object. Of course I am speaking from the utility of a photographer and also from my abilities as a photographer to capture clouds.  

Nevertheless, the sunset was amazing. The kind that is “off the charts” remarkable. 

•  •  •

 A week or so later, Natty and I were discussing the grand topic of life while sitting on a parking stop behind the Christian Science Reading Room. We had been there for sometime watching the sun slowly win another battle against the armies of the cloud. Thin wispy layers of cirrus clouds were fanned out across the blue canvas and they glowed like torches. 

She pointed to the sky in mid conversation to be sure that I am aware of the beauty that was unfolding on the aerial battlefront. That kind of interruption happens often, she gets really excited about moments or caterpillars or other bugs or babies and can’t hold her curiosity and joy in.

Natty: That’s so beautiful.
Jake: (reflective and slow) Yes, yes it is. This is my favorite time of day.
Natty: (lovely excitement) Mine too! I love how you can see the colors contrasting against each other, like that tree in front of the blue sky.

Jake stares at the contrasting tree for a second, quietly.

Jake: Most times I forget to notice the contrast of the sunset I guess its because I am ‘too’ busy. (Pause) Or maybe because I am colorblind I don’t care so much about it. Those are my favorite kinds of clouds, though.
Natty: What kind are they?
Jake: Stratus or something. I am sure thats not the right word. I only know two cloud types: stratus and columbus - like christopher. (a silly smile to accompany a silly pun) 

A pause between the two as they pay more attention to the contrasting hues. 

Jake: (sudden excitement) Natty! I forgot to tell you!
Natty: Oh goodness. Do tell.
Jake: The other day, it sounds crazy but I swear it happened. 
Natty: Okay, try me. I am sure it isn’t crazy.
Jake: I swear, for five minutes or so...(pause)...I wasn’t colorblind
Natty: Really?
Jake: Yeah, I was watching a sunset like this up on campus and I was laying down on the rim of a flowerbed staring up at a cloud. It was on fire with colors. I could see the colors, all of them!
Natty: That. Is. Amazing.

Jake: I know! (commences rant) One side of the cloud was in flames. Reds, oranges, greens - no wait I don’t know if there were greens–I’m new at this– golden and awesome is what it was. Layers of warm colors. (Breath) The other side of this cloud was blue and cool. Cool with dark blues and Phoenician purples and…well, you know those ice-pops that were awesome when we were kids?
Natty: Of course!
Jake: A big part of the cloud was ice-pop blue and stood out against the dark blue sky like it is right now. I swear I saw colors.

Natty: Well, I believe you! You should definitely journal about this. Have you journaled about this?
Jake: No, not yet. I guess I should, shouldn't I?
Natty: Yeah, it’s awesome. Get it down. (Not asking why or how this is possible. She just affirms that I saw full and vibrant colors)
Jake: Maybe I will connect it with how awareness is important to seeing color. How color and color nuisance can be overlooked 9.9 times out of 10 because we are so distracted all the time by constant inputs and stimulus. Maybe I will say something like, ‘without awareness life becomes dull in color’ or ‘with awareness I once was colorblind but now I see’.

Natty: I like it. 
Jake: Ah. I don’t know. It’s kinda cheesy.

One Holy Catholic Apostolic

In my 'ideas' dedicated yellow notepad I found a short note messily written in the middle of the page.

I'm calling the divided church together, to move beyond denominational ecumenical facades into a 'One Holy Catholic [universal] Apostolic church; not catholic, not protestant, not orthodox, but one. The unity that we preach is void of meaning until we reunite.

Hebrews 13:7-8
 ⁷ Remember your leaders, those who spoke to you the word of God. Consider the outcome of their way of life, and imitate their faith. ⁸ Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.

What do we expect of the church is we imitate our leaders today? What would happen if the next generation of bright-eyed, hopeful leaders became the leader that existed today?

It would not be easy. It would take diligent doctrinal debates. What would it take to become the One Church United? Are we already? I think not. Either way, the change starts in your mind, and in mine.

Start with this question: What do I desire? Do we desire to see a church that looks whole? A church bride with one mind?

Because this is what is happening: the Bride visibly is in pieces, beating each other with broomsticks in the holy places of Christianity, literally. Our actions offer no hope because we are just as broken as the world, yes, we are. I am not saying that Jesus' message of grace and salvation is void because we are a mess, that would be an antithesis to grace. However, I am saying that Jesus' redeeming work would be more visable on a global scale if we at least tried to live unified. A weak and messy bride unified through the strength of the grace of God. Remarkable.

Imagine if the Church were to sing one united song with the way we exist, live, speak and behave. 

It may not be possible, however, I think we need to attempt more things that are impossible.

Confessions: Fickleness & Friends

I see everyone everywhere, in the faces of strangers. What I mean is that I perceive a familiar face at a store or restaurant and then soon realize that they are in fact a stranger. My most educated guess is that I miss those friends and acquaintances whose mirages that I see about. Some moments I find myself unintentionally following a stranger for just a few seconds in hopes to learn that they are indeed the apparition that saw. However, that has not been the case. 

I have been involved in several goodbyes as of late. 
But we will get to that soon.

Confession: Fickleness is the default of my heart…usually. When I lived in New Mexico, my home was literally a sun room. The summer was gruelingly hot and I spent all of my time outdoors in the high desert landscape. Days were long and the sun dried our land while it hung in the sky for extended hours, if it wasn't blotted out by dry wildfire smoke plumes. I cursed the sun and praised winter when days would be quick as a thief, wet and overcast.  

Now my days are quick and wet, I wont see the sun for several days. I live in a basement apartment and work almost exclusively inside. When there is sunlight, it never shines directly in my apartment but only in the top corner of my living room. The days are quick, indeed, but the thief also took my gratefulness. Now I await the once loathed sun and curse the dark. Again, this is often my nature. I don’t know if you can relate to inconsistency but this is my confession to you. 

How fickle my heart and how weary my eyes. [Mumford and Sons] 

Ah yes, back to my story of apparitions. So I have been following these strangers, or glancing at them strangely. I have been witnessing the faces of people from all eras of my life. A quick estimate of the amount of life stages and groupings of people that I’ve been through since the age of thirteen are probably around twelve, including my current season of work at the workshops where I met approximately twenty-five new people a week. 

My point is that I have said many goodbyes this last year and that has created a sadness in me. Goodbyes that were temporary or probably forever, new and old relationships alike. The result is that I am grieving over the separation of good friends. My mind is desperately attempting to soften the blow by creating mirages of you in strangers. More precisely, I think that the reason may be much simpler and healthier than insanity. 

I have been fickle with you, my friends. I have been quick to say goodbye and slow to mourn the seperation. Perhaps I am learning to be grateful for those relationships, no matter their duration or current status. Perhaps I am learning to vocalize. 

New Confession: To you my friends, you are thought of affectionately and highly. My appreciation of our shared time has only grown and know that I am not who I am without our friendship. You are loved and valued. Do not think that I have forgotten you. I have remembered you often and seen you repeatedly in the kindness of strangers. I miss you and I will talk to you soon.

Sincerely,
-Jake

----

Some Photos of some, but not all, Friends!

Why Do I Love This Image?

Back in 2009 I attended the Gallery opening of Keith Carter photographs at the Wittliff Gallery on the 7th floor of Alkek Library. A place that I spent evenings pretending to study while we regressed into children in our conversations and play. Wittliff was a place I could take the elevator to the top and experiance work that would remind me of a world that exsisted outside of balance sheets, mission statements, and business ethics. It was a mysterious world and I loved it.

Keith gave a short talk that night. His smooth east Texan accent drawing mine own from my lungs. A fresh notebook was in my hand, desiring to jot down any country wisdom he had to share. However, the talk was so short, I only have one sentance written in my notebook from that night.

'Photography'. Greek. Means writing with light.

Solitarily, I side stepped image-to-image, analyizing each grain of film. There was no captions to the photographs, just light made image on silver gelatin paper. I sidestepped unto this image:

                 "Fallen Giant"                                        

This is not my favorite Carter image, not my second favortie even. But what is it that draws me in? My attention pools towards it in a crowded room. Why?

So does this picture:

"Dawn"

Perhaps I relate to the overpowering enviroment? Feeling like I am standing against a mighty foe? Or maybe I am amazed and perplexed by the monumentous creation around me? Is this what I feel like when in the presence of God? 

INPUT: What do you think? Comment on how thse images make you feel or how you relate with them. Make up a story or insert a personal experiance or a story you heard or a scripture.

Go ahead. Do it.

Dallas Willard Excerpt

Dallas Willard, from the introduction of Knowing Christ Today. [Vauge title is you ask me]

Today Christians and non-Christians alike stand within an itellectual atmosphere where politically dominated authority is the primary force at work, and almost no one any longer knows the meaning or application of Non sequitur, "It does not follow" (i.e., it is an unwarranted conclusion or assertion). An understanding of ordanary logic is no longer a required part of university degree programs, as was almost universally the case sixty years ago. Now, as a result, our world is full of uneducated people with higher degrees. They have no independent logical judgment and simply conform to what their circle takes to be the "best professional opinion." Thankfully, there are rare exceptions.

----

Anyone have any reactions to this?